Eavesdropping on "The Conversation"
After seven or so years living in Darien, Connecticut I’m finally beginning to
understand what it is I find objectionable in this town, this county, and possibly all affluent suburbs: It isn’t so much the choices that the people make, it’s the lack of thought and introspection that goes into them.
The other night I went to sign my kid up for swim lessons at THE swim school in the area. It’s a rather elaborate procedure – you stand in line for fifteen minutes and pick a number out of an envelope which determines when you have to come back for the actual sign-up. The number-picking takes place from 5-6 and the return time can be as late as 9:30. At night.
This all takes place at a hotel conference room. The parking garage is jammed with big SUV’s, out of which thin women coiffed with the same shade of streaked blond hair emerge and walk purposefully to the designated area. No one smiles. It’s like the Attack of the Clones.
I’m always at a loss to understand why everyone seems so miserable. Here we are, privileged enough to be able to drop four figures (per kid) over the next several months on what is really a very well-run and excellent swim school and yet no one seems pleased to be there.
Anyway, along the way in the process the women pair up and engage in The Conversation. I eavesdrop. It’s what I do. I’ve become familiar with The Conversation. The Conversation is a flat rock skipping across the water..
The Conversation is basically an exchange of informing one another they are moving to bigger and better homes, decorating ideas and why certain children’s activities (music lessons, tennis, ballet, etc.) are so wonderful for little Prescott or McKenzie. But no one talks about whether all these things are actually good for kids. Or why they might be good and bad.
It is my honest feeling that if you could freeze time when multiple pairs of women engage in The Conversation (as was the case on this night), you could take a crane, swap them around and when you re-started the clock The Conversation would continue unabated.
The other thing that comes up in The Conversation is how good the schools are in Darien. And by any objective measure, they are. And by most subjective measures as well. But when you ask these people what they mean by "good schools, " they don’t seem to know. The women can tell you who gives the best pedicures, but generally seem to have no idea what CMT and CAPT tests are.
Now when people say, for example, West Hartford has good schools they usually can back it up by saying it’s kids score well, the system is pretty diverse, and the administration does some innovative things to help along the students who come from disadvantaged backgrounds.
I don’t know if it is or it isn’t, but "good schools" in Darien can act as a euphemism for "all-white," because the phrase is usually used to compare the system to neighboring Norwalk or Stamford, which are not.
Now, if someone were to say, " I think Darien has good schools because it doesn’t have to spend a lot of time and resources dealing with the issues of poverty and disadvantage that some other systems do and can therefore enhance the overall educational experience. I think that’s a good thing and that’s why I desire and chose the place for my kids, " then that’s a thought-out and understandable opinion. It’s just that I’ve never heard it said.
When I was living in Hartford some years ago, the thing that would really set me off would be cars driving by playing thumping, wall-rattling, floor-shaking rap music and I would wonder why anyone would choose to be so rude.
Now I wonder the same thing whenever the last parking space sits between a Suburban and a Navigator with two inches clearance on either side of the white stripe. The "Support Our Troops" sticker on both of the behemoths is an especially nice touch.
But now I’m beginning to think people don’t choose to be inconsiderate, because choice involves a weighing of options. I expect it’s more of a "what I want" kind of process. People listen to loud car stereos because they want to hear loud music, not because they’ve weighed it against someone else’s desire for more quiet.
People drive big SUV’s because they perceive a need for them, not because they’ve balanced that need against cleaner air or a reduced likelihood of killing another driver -- or leaving me enough room to park my car. People choose "good schools" without considering how that might drain resources from "bad schools."
I suppose if "Just Do It" works to sell sneakers, there’s no reason to believe people wouldn’t apply it to everything else.
I don’t know. Something to think about.
July 25, 2005
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