There’s something about an Aqua Velva man. I know. I’m one of ‘em.
Yeah, yeah, it may not smell that great, but tell me this -- if you had a flat tire on a deserted road, who would you want to happen by: an Aqua Velva man or a guy who spent 55 bucks on a 3.4 ounce bottle of Ralph Lauren Romance for Men?
Or a fella who is dressed in 2001's hottest male fashion statement – the kilt? The fashion design house of Burberry introduced a line of men’s kilts for the winter season, which sold out immediately. They are now taking names for the waiting list – at $775 a pop.
Gee, I’d like to help you with that tire Ma’am, but I’m having some trouble squatting down in my kilt.
I confess I may not be the trendiest guy around. For me fashion is something which I talk about to my wife when she tells me to take the trash out – "I’ll get to it after a fashion, honey." But I still have to wonder about this stuff.
It’s almost like there are four genders now. Regular men, regular women, men who wear kilts and women who wear those things with the feathers you see in the fashion magazines.
Some of the historical changes in how we prepare ourselves to go out in the day are certainly boons to civilization. Not every product once considered a silly indulgence is without its merit. Deodorant, for example. Still, there seems to be a lot stuff out there which at least someone must be buying and you have to wonder, what for?
For every new way to save money that comes along, there are two new ways to spend it. I’m pretty good about using my electronic scan card at the supermarket. Sure, it’s unsettling to know there’s a big computer which knows how often I have to buy razor blades, cigarettes and Captain Crunch, but heck, everybody’s for sale. Alex Rodriguez gets $250 million. I’ll take the 3 or 4 bucks they take off at the checkout line.
My supermegamarket just added a new feature to its receipts which shows how much money I saved for the entire year. Last year it was over 400 bucks. Not bad, enough money for some new clothes or a weekend away but not exactly a new car.
That’s another thing the marketers are trying to make me feel bad about. My car is five years old. There’s an ad on television – I think it’s for Mitsubishi – that shows a guy picking up a date for the first time and she walks to the shiny, new car parked out front. The poor shmoe has to give her an embarrassed "ahem" and open the door of his not-a-Mitsubishi car.
Say goodnight to getting lucky.
It’s a good thing I’m married, to a wife who thinks cars aren’t even broken in until they have 125,000 miles. If we were old enough to have had a DeSoto, we would still have it.
Now, if cars really worked for getting babes, maybe the marketing of them would be okay. But I still remember being single, and I had a hot car. A real hot car. A shiny red Corvette. And even though it was a two-seater, there still should have been plenty of room for Mr. Lucky.
But he rarely came along. Maybe it was the Aqua Velva.
Or it could have been dry skin. Nivea ( a skin lotion I remember my grandmother being fond of) has a whole line of products for men. Their website has a section called "Questions men care about." Here’s one of them:
Q: I often find that my skin is very dry after showering, sometimes even becoming tight or itching. Is this normal?
A: The skin possesses its own natural protective layer; the hydrolipid film. If you have too hot a shower, to give an example, this film can be damaged by sebum and water, as a result of which too much moisture is extracted. So make absolutely sure you use a gentle and replenishing shower gel, which preserves the skin’s moisture. Care hint: NIVEA Gentle Shower Invigorating Fresh FOR MEN .
There you have it. The hydrolipid film can be damaged by sebum. Now I’m not such a caveman I don’t recognize that the things men are supposed to know change over time. Hardly anyone knows how to harpoon a whale anymore, for instance.
I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that if you know what sebum is, you can’t change a tire. Heck, I looked it up and still don’t know what it is. But I do know how to fix a flat.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay for men to get gussied up on special occasions. That’s what Old Spice is for.
March 14, 2001
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